Postpartum Depression: My Warning Signs

First of all, let me apologize for not blogging yesterday.  This was, in fact, the blog I was to post.  However, my depression was out of control.  I am lucky to have gotten through the day without hurting myself. It was the worst day I have had in months.

My baby girl (Elizabeth) was born on October 22, 2015.  I had a scheduled c-section, and though I was in more pain than my first c-section, emotionally I felt great.  I was riding high on new baby happiness.  Here is a picture of me and newly born Elizabeth:

This was such a happy time for me.  I was so in love with life!  It is hard for me to look at myself, knowing that my brain was about to pull me into some really dark times. 

Fast forward a month.  By this time it was Thanksgiving.  I still loved my baby and my family, but I began feeling strangely.  In order to understand how I was feeling, I think it is important to know all the circumstances:

1. I was adjusting to a new house, new city, new baby.  Any of these would be difficult on their own.  

2. I had left a job I loved to support my husband's career.  

3. As supportive as my husband is, he never wanted me to stay home.  Knowing this, I constantly felt (and still feel) pressure to help him any way possible.  And to make money.  Anyway, I was letting him sleep and I was getting up every 2 hours at night. 

4.  Holidays were coming and I love to give gifts.  I also love to give to families in need at Christmastime.  Impossible to do when I am not making an income. 

5. My older daughter Claire is fabulous.  She is wonderful, but learning to share Mommy with baby was a trying time.  I felt our relationship strain after Elizabeth was born.  

6. My body was (and again, still is) recovering from having a baby and surgery.  

As you can see, I was going through a lot.  

Back to my strange feelings.  The first thing I remember feeling was discontent.  I felt like my husband (Chris) was not paying enough attention to me.  I thought he could be kinder to me.  In reality, he was fine, in fact he was very supportive, I was just looking to him to fill something within me.  

The stranger feeling I had was jealousy.  While my relationship with Claire was strained, her relationship with Chris was stronger than ever. And I resented both of them for it.  I felt like he was nicer to her than he was to me.  I felt she liked him more than she liked me.  This was completely in my head.  It was postpartum depression whispering in my ear.  Because that is what it feels like.  Like there is another person in your head saying really horrible things to you.  And I am not talking about your normal mean girl voice.  She is there too.  Postpartum depression (for me) was a new even meaner girl. In my head.  Whispering.  

Here I am on Thanksgiving day, looking happy.  I wasn't. 

  

Things only got worse after Thanksgiving. 

She began as a whisper, but she was soon yelling.   

Stay tuned for next week when I write about my darkest days.  

Compassion Project Update

Back in March I wrote about how I wanted to be a more compassionate person.

While this is still true, my recovery from postpartum depression has slightly shifted my focus.

You see, the depression was causing me to be compassionate to everyone - except myself.  So I am shifting my focus a bit.  Don't get me wrong, I still want to be compassionate toward others, I just want to focus on treating myself just as well.

Back to March.  At that time my focus was on making eye contact and smiling at people as I passed them.  I am happy to report that while I don't always do this I am looking others in the eyes and smiling most of the time.  And it feels good.  Just the act of acknowledging someone's existence and, sometimes, having the same returned is wonderful.  This may sound silly, but it is an affirmation that they are human and so am I.  Looking them in the eyes acknowledges their existence.  Smiling tells them they are worthy.  At least that is how I feel when someone does this to me.

Such a small thing.

I will continue practicing this act.  To shift the focus toward being compassionate with myself, I will do this when I look at myself in the mirror.  Also, when I look at pictures of myself.  That definitely sounds silly, but I often cringe when I see myself in a photo or video.  I think I need to be nicer to that girl.  So I will look at her and smile instead of think about how awful I look.  After all, that girl is a worthy human being.

I hope you are having a wonderful day!  Thank you for taking the time to read this post!

Finding Joy in Something I Hate

Exercise.

Yuck.

Why would one willingly pick up heavy objects just to put them right back down? Or run for no reason at all?  I just don't get it.

However, my doctor says it is healthy.  It will help me lose the baby weight and also help with my postpartum depression.  So, exercise I must.

Bleh.

Okay, so maybe I don't hate all exercise.  I mean, I love to walk: on trails, through neighborhoods, or through the mall.  Walking can be relaxing.  I also enjoy jumping on a trampoline.  For a couple of minutes. I kinda like to swim.  

I have spent the last two weeks walking every day.  And I. Am. Bored.  I need something else to do.  Fortunately, I have a plan:
Think of all the workouts that spark an interest and try them all.  Hopefully at least one will stick and voila!  I will have a new healthy hobby!

So here are the workouts I am going to try out (and maybe a couple I already have tried):
1. Walking (Duh.  I mentioned it above)
2. Hiking
3. Water Aerobics
4. Barre Class (I always wanted to be a ballerina!)
5. Aerial (This one is the scariest but most intriguing!)
6. Dance Fitness/Zumba or Zumba-esque Class
7. Trampoline Cardio
8. Women Lifting (Even though I mocked lifting above)

Eekk!  I never knew I had so many interests in moving my body.  I certainly have quite the task in front of me!  Stay tuned - next Wednesday I will have an update!

Update and Future Schedule

Hey there!  Hi there!  Ho there!

It has been forevvvvveeeerrrr since I blogged.  Why? (you may or may not be asking)

The short answer is it's complicated.  I have been suffering from postpartum depression the last few months and fears of inadequacy and the feeling of worthlessness pretty much my whole life.  Wow.  No one knew I am such a Debbie Downer.  With a blog title like Happy Stephanie one would expect confidence and an exhilarating, excited about life attitude coming out the ying-yang.

Yeah right.  Life doesn't work that way and neither do I.  I am a real person who has her own sad story that I am healing from.  However, I do (generally) have a pretty positive outlook on life, and most people who get to know the me I project to the world would say I am a happy person.

So that was the update.

Now that I am back I am (trying) to blog consistently.  I want to be a writer when I grow up, and this is good practice.  I have several series that I will be working on:

1. Postpartum Depression
2. Mom Life
3. Wardrobing
4. Home Decor
5. Compassion and Confidence
6. Healthy Life, Healthy Wife
7. Miscellaneous

Titles may change, but content should fall into those categories.  I still need to work out which day I post what, but expect to see a new blog post later today or tomorrow.  Then more will follow the next day!

You are jumping up and down and clapping, aren't you?

Thought so.

TTFN!

P.S.  Thank you so much for taking the time to read this blog.  This is a hobby of mine I hope to maybe one day become a career.  I appreciate you taking the time to stop by and I hope you have a fabulous day!